Running away

Hey Universe, are you there?

Sometimes I feel trapped.  I feel like a new start.  I've been battling depression, without meds, and I believe I am doing a great job managing and overcoming.  Depression is almost easy compared to its alternative.  I think I feel this way because there are so many other depressed people in my life.  Folks so stressed out and overwhelmed that suicide sometimes seems like a reasonable solution.  Even at my worst, I did not think about suicide.

I'm pulling myself out of my own icky habits and discovering a pretty neat-o spiritual path at the same time.  The negativity that surrounds me tries to pull me back.  I realize that this can all help me become stronger in the end, learn more compassion and even help others pull out of their darkness.  All very wonderful.  Gosh darn it, sometimes I want it to be just about me.  Not to have to worry about taking care of friends, family, puppy dogs.  I love them all.  I know I'm unemployed, so in theory I have all the time in the world for my own personal spiritual journey.  I'm just not getting it in the way that I would like- simplicity, solitude.  A Weekend to Change your Life, The Pilgrims Way and The Pelee Project are beautiful examples of how we can do this. Many of those examples involved people that had enough money and resources available to them at home to afford them with such an opportunity.  I am feeling trapped, like now that I have the time to, I don't have a means of doing it.  Money holds very little meaning to me.  I have really tried to live with this mindset and it has helped ease the stress of bills.  Our society chooses to operate on a dollar bill system.  So, the new roof, the hot water heater, mortgage, vehicle loan, vets bills (400 in two days), and the holiday season come first.  I want to go to yoga school.  My estimate is that it will cost between 5-6000$.  Not caring about money and being unemployed makes these dreams seem quite unattainable at times.  If I am meant to go to yoga school, I know that the money will reveal itself to me.  I just kinda want to know now if it's what the fates have in store for me.  I am at a crossroads and I don't know which way to go.  Probably because I cannot see any paths in front of me at all.  I'm certain they are there, I'm just blind to them.

I want to live a simple life.  The middle of nowhere, lots of trees, a lake, maybe even a stream or two, wild critters in abundance and more stars in the sky at night than I ever dreamed was possible of seeing, without Hubble.  I guess I just want to disconnect from this society that we have created.  I don't feel healthy in it.  A hermits life is very appealing right now.  I suppose one could argue that's the depression talking.  If you want to practice at a the higher level of Self, you need to get out there a live.  Interact with people.  Face your challenges. 

I appreciate all that.  I know the light is there, I just want to sneak a peak, a glimmer really.  You know, I don't even know what I'm asking for.  I'm just sitting here feeling a bit lost and trapped.  Two very interesting feelings to tie together.  I want to get on with it.  I've done a lot of soul searching, dealt with a lot of old issues and am practicing at compassionately dealing with new issues.  I have worked hard for the last 7 months.  I haven't levitated yet- come to think of it, I have not sat down to try yet.  That's a side story though.  I have worked hard.  I have been shining a light on my shadow Self and am slowly learning how to listen to my Self. 

"To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet." - Charles Caleb Colton

Universe, I don't know what I need, I don't know what I'm asking for.  I am asking you to send it to me.  You know what I need and how to send it to me.  The extra favour I ask is, when you send it, please make it obvious.  As you noticed, I can be blind to whats in front of me sometimes. 

From my heart, to all hearts; may there be much peace, much love, much compassion in your life. 

Dallas Cowboys, sigh. Any Given Sunday...or Thursday...

Hey Universe, are you there?

"Winning is not a sometime thing; it's an all time thing. You don't win once in a while, you don't do things right once in a while, you do them right all the time. Winning is habit. Unfortunately, so is losing."  -Vince Lombardi

So, the Cowboys lost to New Orleans.  This was a heart-breaker.  They were soooo very close to winning.  Their second half offense was lovely to watch.  While I miss Tony, Kitna is doing a wonderful job.  Amazing stats are going up.  Jon, you seem to interact well with the guys on the sideline, and on the field too.  Step out of Tony's shadow and get this job done.  You are the starting quarterback.  Act like it.

Tony- great work on the sidelines.  Keep talking to the guys.  Especially the defense.  Give them insights.  Give them clues.  They can get the job done, they just seem to struggle with believing they can. 

It almost seemed like Kitna was having similar problems connecting to Williams that Tony was having last year.  A couple times it looked like Kitna was expecting Roy to run a slightly different route than he did.  Maybe they need to play some of those trust games.  I know Jon and Roy can work this out.  Roy, its OK.  You dropped the ball.  A few other people made mistakes too.  It's OK.  That's part of being a team- the rest of the guys need to be there to support the one that is stumbling.  Shake off the energy from that game.

Bryant seemed pretty upset that he wasn't getting the ball.  And understandably- have you seen this kid play??!  Silly New Orleans had a bunch of double coverage on him.  Relax Dez my friend, there are a lot of balls destined to come your way.  You will be a show stopper.  Just give it time.

My man, Marion Barber.  You are playing differently this year.  Less ferocious.  It makes sense though.  You were getting pummeled repeatedly by like 5 people.  If I could offer you any tips it would be this.  Be careful of your cutbacks.  You are not as agile on your feet as previous seasons.  Taking a step or two backwards and then trying to push forward is not working.  The bad guys are getting to you.  Maybe try some shoulder fakes or just pushing through the guy.  I know you can.  Once you get forward momentum, it is gosh darn difficult to take you down.  Forward progress baby.

Special teams, where were you guys??  Normally you guys do something ridiculous.  Create some of those TSN turning points.  I didn't really see a lot of extraordinary game playing from you. 

Defense.  Defense.  Defense.  You gotta hold them back.  At all costs, stop the touchdown.  Holding them to a field goal is almost as good.  You had a few missed big plays.  I would like to see you improve on interceptions.  Improve creating fumbles too.  Interceptions are better.  They are crushing for quarterbacks and  receivers.  A practice you may want to try is running, jumping for balls while in the air at awkward angles.  Get one of those big foam pad things like pole vaulters land on.  Have someone else running with you, recreate those missed moments, those missed interceptions.  But this time, catch the ball and hold on.  (Roy, I love you, you may want to practice with the defense on this exercise as well).  PS- you gotta stop missing tackles.  Get the tackle on the first try.

Have you guys seen The Program?   I like the exercise the coach gives Omar Epps character, Darnell Jefferson.  The one where he has to walk around campus with the football, protecting it.  The rest of the teams is given the task of trying to return the ball to the coach.  Maybe the whole team could work on this.  Take a ball home, ask your kids, wives, friends and neighbours to try and recover the ball from you.

Number 65.  I have no idea even where to begin with you Gurode.  Maybe you have a bunch of stuff going on off-the-field??  A lot of distractions seem to be entering your mind.  Under Jerry's new plan for a new team, your performance on the field is not going to secure you a spot.  Missing snaps, early snaps, poorly aimed snaps...these do not fit in the new plan.  Period.  Whatever it is that is swimming around in your head, I hope you can work it out.  Meditation/prayer may help, have you tried that?   It helps me focus.  If you ever want to talk, I'm here. 

David, Buehler that is.  You got the leg dude.  Use it.  Believe in it.  You can get stupendous distance.  Consistent accuracy is the only thing missing.  I think this is the easy part.  You have the physical ability for greatness as a kicker.  Maybe you could try mediating with Andre?  I think you both could use a dose of love.

Don't fear the Colts.  They're just a bunch of Old Mares really.  You have more than 1.1 Million MORE likes than they do on facebook.  In this day and age, that's better than being voted Prom King!  Besides, your cheerleaders are way hotter than theirs (despite the colts' cheerleaders best attempts to imitate your cheerleaders).

The Eages?  Meeeh!  Nothing without Vick.  He is a superstar right now.  You need to crush his dreams a couple times coming up soon here.  The rest of the team is nothing without him.  Too much chaos going on there. 

The Redskins.  You will destroy them.  Of this I have no doubt.  Did I tell you that we came all the way down to Dallas to watch you guys beat them last year?  The game right before your Thanksgiving.  (As a side note, Jerry, you build one lovely house.  Dang.  If only I could afford a box, even just for the last couple of games.  Of course, watching the Cowboys host and win the Superbowl from a box this January would be a highlight in my life, that is for sure).  The Redskins are not even politically correct, let alone a team.  Did you see what they did to Donovan??  First he gets the boot from his long time team, the enemy picks him up and then THEY bench him in the most critical moment of the game!!!  Gosh, I think all Cowboys fans need to send a big thank you to Shanahan for shaking the Redskin's confidence in themselves and their quarterback.  Wow.  Good work. 

Arizona???  Do they even have a football team???

Jason Witten.  I think I am crushing on you.  You are a rock for this offense, not just Tony.  You started stepping back into that roll on Thursday.  Accept your position as rock and stabilizer.  You pull out some pretty cool moves my friend.  I would be proud to wear your Jersey. 

Brooking- I love that you get the guys riled up before the game.  I know the role of motivator is a challenging one.  Keep it up- the rest of the team needs this.

Miles, you're hot.  Playing and to look at.

Choice, Jones, James, Ratliff, Ware, Jenkins, Newman, Bennett.  You and I both know you are capable of much better football.  Enough of this mamby pamby stuff you've been doing.  Play some football.  Play like you still love the game, cause the game sure loves you.

Jason Garrett you are wonderful.  I see you and I smile.  You are having fun and it looks like the rest of the guys are having fun with you.  This will be the key to your success.  I love that you played a season the CFL and that you have been a Cowboy player before.  You have so much empathy.  I love it.  You are and will continue to be a very successful head coach.  Thursday will be your only loss of this season.  Nothing but W's here on out. 

Yoga- get yourselves a yoga teacher.  I'll even do it!  Trust me.  You will not regret this decision.  

My Beloved Cowboys.  You can do this.  You can play football.  Most of you have being doing this for at least 80% of your lives I would bet. You have a Superbowl winning team.  Guys, you just need to believe that you can.  It is not about any ONE individual.  It is about the whole entity.  When you work as an entity, one person's fumble or missed tackle will have little impact on the game.  Play as a team, win as a team.  Support one another. My offer to Andre is open to the rest of you as well- I'm here when you want to talk.

You are loved.   Believe. 

"Winning takes talent, to repeat takes character."  -John Wooden

From my heart, to all hearts, GO COWBOYS!

Equality in a game of fetch

Are you there Universe?  It's Me.

It's really cool discovering the lessons other life forms are teaching us.  I learn a lot from my dogs.  Grover is hanging out with me right now.  He loves to play equality fetch.  This involves him bringing me his most favourite kong and me throwing it for him.  He'll bring it back to me, though sometimes he just so excited that he just runs away with it again as soon as I go to pick it up.  I like to think that I can see him giggling through the motion of his tail. 

The equality part of this game comes in when he throws the kong underneath a couch or bookshelf.  At this point, it's my turn to fetch the kong.  He is very nice about pointing out under which object the kong is.  He points with his nose and wags his tail like mad.  (He's a bulldogge, so it's even funnier to watch). I scoop it out and throw it for him.  And so the cycle begins again.  He loves this game.  So do I.

It used to drive me bonkers.  Couldn't he just keep the darn thing out from under the furniture?  Of course he can.  He proves that whenever I leave the room.  He'll leave the kong at the bottom of the stairs until I return.  He sleeps.  Drove me bonkers.  Then I realized.  I realized this is how he likes to play- it really isn't fair that only one of us gets to fetch and one of us gets to throw.  A great lesson in sharing the joy, compromise and equality. 

"We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults.  Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment."  -George Eliot

Grover makes me smile and that is a great place to start.

From my heart, to all hearts- peace and love friends, peace and love.

I'm listening. Or at least practicing at listening.

Are you there Universe?  It's me again.

I'm not sure what I want to say to you anymore.  I think I would rather listen to what you have to tell me.  I suppose that's why I'm hear; to try to help me listen better.  I know you are sending me the messages- I just get lost in the translations.  I feel like I'm on the edge of something pretty neato.  I just don't know what the next step is.  Of course knowing what the next step is takes half of the adventure out of the whole thing. 

I've got this idea.  I believe it is a valuable idea, not just to me, also for the community and some dear friends.  I am waiting for your message.  I would like to know if this is what I need to pursue next.  Or no.  I'll take a sign either way, I just would like a sign. 

Ok, you're right, the woman yesterday was a sign.  A confirmation that the service is needed.  And that I could be the one to provide it.  I do believe this, finally.  I think you've made that point very clear.  I appreciate it. Maybe I am just looking for excuses.  There are just a couple unanswered questions.  Is this the right town for me to try this?  And if it is, downtown or outside of town.  The vision came to me as downtown, though almost all practical reasons tell me outside of town is better.  Downtown is dying.  Since I've moved here, I have seen way more businesses close their doors than open new opens.  The energy in town is fairly dark.  Not overwhelming amounts of peace, love and compassion.  The funny thing is I feel it in people.  They want it.  I suppose fear is the thing preventing them from living it out.  We're so close to the border here.  I feel a very strong drain due to that.  There is a lot of fear south of us.  A lot.  Every day it seems to get more pronounced.  It's almost crippling. 

There are pockets of peace.  And love.  And compassion.  I want to weave those pockets together.  Maybe sewn together it would be enough to cover the whole town.  When I first had this brainstorm, I thought it would be large enough to do just that.  My ego chipped in to tell me I was being arrogant.  (I love the lessons ego was sent to give me).  The question now- is this vision arrogant? 

Hey, I just found this quote from,
Deepak Chopra:  "There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle." 

Universe, could you let me know that I'm putting my jigsaw piece in the right spot for me, in this moment?

Thank you.

From my heart, to all hearts, Namaste.